So drunk, too bad you don't want this
Stripper fight on main stage. It just happened. And it was glorious.
Can't wait to go see my drug dealers baby being born. He rolled all of the "it's a boy" cigars into blunts.
he thanks me after handjobs.
you found the perfect man.
My right arm is handcuffed to my leg... Please help.
No idea. I woke up in the middle of the night to you drooling and gnawing on my arm. Then you rolled over, punched the air 4 times, then proceeded to talk about your hair in your sleep.
Its Nebraska, I'm sure im not the first person to wake up hungover in a corn field.
i was completely deserted.. so i stood outside starbucks for 20 minutes trying to convince the employees to open early and take care of me.. fuck you guys
We were sitting in a hot tub debating how drunk we could get by osmosis if we kept spilling our drinks in it. This is what engineering college does to you.
I am a murderer. I ran over so many baby frogs. I wanted to stop and pick some up to take home, but all I have is a wine bottle. I'd hate to explain that to a cop.
Looking back on this weekend, I'm most grateful I never brought up with word "toe-fucking" at the bachelorette party.
He's wearing my bra and eating a breadstick while jumping on our bed.....
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
she was concerned about my dick piercings.
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
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