The chick I went home with last night had a happy trail
please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
I woke up to a paper award certificate for best blow job and he was gone. You're welcome mystey man.
Just because he's a soilder doesn't mean his dick is a hero.
She rolled over this morning and asked "did you refer to my vagina as splash mountain last night? "
I went out in a blaze of glory. I failed the field sobriety test by saying ABCD FUCK YOU.
He chucked my pickle at the bouncer. Fucker, I wanted that.
He's just a really nice guy who stuck his tongue in the wrong place.
So there I was praying he didn't go limp again, choking on a long, long gray ball hair. This is my Saturday night. This. Is. My. Life.
How did she break his doorknob?
That was our fault. We put a chair under the doorknob so that she wouldn't wander out of his room in the middle of the night and jump into bed with her ex. But she's stronger than we thought.
Just got attacked by a family of raccoons, I have the worst luck.
Woke up the next morning in an 8 year old's bedroom. Saw my bra swinging from the spiderman ceiling fan and decided it would be best to dip out w/o it.
Wait you actually sent a text to your self saying “love you I miss you"?
After 3 parties, all of them busted, and 4 field sobriety tests, I AM the cop whisperer
You ever fart so hard it made you cum a little? A "friend of mine" wanted to know.
Randomize