I like you better when you drink
I like you better when I drink too
Last night she showed me how to clean my bowl and now she's drunk making peanut butter filled cookies. Best. Roommate. Ever.
I've ID'd the nipple biter.
There was a bottle of vodka and chips in a vase next to the bed
Well the "Blackout with your sack out" party turned out predictably.
Dont get mad at me, it takes two to tango
IT TAKES ONE TO EJACULATE INTO THE OTHER WITHOUT CONSENT, AND SPOILER ALERT, ITS THE ONE WITH A SCROTUM FULL OF SEMEN.
If I give you a key to my place you have to promise to one day wake me up with a blowjob.
And by one day I mean once every two weeks.
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
I woke up in my living room, on the floor, wearing nothing but a fur coat?
Yup. Can I borrow your penis decanter for my Xmas party on Saturday
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
He probably thinks you're playing hard to get.
Hard to get?? I'm playing leave me the fuck alone.
We had sex and he ended up in the hospital... don't know if I should be worried or proud.
I just found vampire teeth and a moustache in my purse. do you know why?
Do you just want me to shit in a Jack-o-latern
Randomize
