you're like a bully in the Christmas story
Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
You stole her cigarette screaming that you were going to stop the air cancer from getting everyone.
at least i was looking out for everybody
I love how my brain works. It's like being on drugs without the costly upkeep.
Watching this movie and saying "drink every time you see an animal" was a bad idea...circle of life...holy crap
You don't forget tits like those, even if you are vegas drunk.
I've gotta stop getting kicked out of bars for fighting with people over the accuracy of the Harry Potter movie.
Wtf man. I knew she was bad news. No sane person cares if you eat their raviolli.
New low: just got woken up by my 9 year old cousin throwing an empty at me and telling me to get my life together.
She sent pictures and the names of her 2 cats and her dog and told me that I should be happy to have met the whole family.
You must be good in bed dude
I feel like I'm pretty optimistic for a girl that might be pregnant.
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
Girl I'm contemplating picking up some adult diapers. That's how bad this is and it's only day 2.
My girl friends dad just asked how I get so drunk and then he passed out with a bloody Mary in his hand on the couch it's 230 do you know where your parents are
oh, he’s out of jail btw. as of about 6pm. one of his customers bonded him out apparently lol
Like he really got a coke fiend to bond him out?
Randomize
