Just so you know, I have a bf.
I guess as long as you bring single girls over and cook cannolis you will still be useful.
I decided that not getting a job after college is gods way of telling me I will make a great housewife
no, i'm proud of you. this is the happiest you've been since you discovered that bowls can be used as cups if you don't feel like washing dishes.
Sex tip #67: Jizz in the eye is very near the equivalent to pepper spray. Not recommended for pleasure enhancement.
I woke up next to her this morning and couldn't remember her name. Luckily, she had written it on my hand so that I could add her on facebook.
It's 5:30am in Vegas and I'm eating McDondalds next to crying prostitutes.....low point.
Besides the whole peeing blood for a week thing, it was the best sex of my life.
You just said we could build a blanket and pillow "fuck fort." Of course I'm never leaving you.
He fucked me so hard I might have to go to the hospital for internal bleeding
Can I have him when you're done?
Idk man, most things I eat are even better than I expected. Like when I drunkenly put mac and cheese on a slice of cheese pizza or when I soberly put mac and cheese into a Taco Bell burrito.
These cutoffs are too tight but my ass looks like Freedom
The Vicodin is in the strawberries.
Does fucking him in the back of the car with the sun roof retracted count as star gazing?
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
so I just realized.. of my 70k student loan debt, most of it went toward bar tabs, eightballs, and sweet-ass ties to wear to gamedays and other people's weddings. I think about shit like this while I'm at my mid-level management position. you know. "working."
Look upon your future, America, and despair.
Randomize
