if she mentions anything about chili and my phone, just go with it
the liquor store owner came out from behind the counter and kissed my cheek when he saw that i am back for fall semester
lesson learned: don't narrate out loud about how a girl is giving you head while she's doing it
so my mom thinks I'm picking you up just to go buy you liquor before you go back to school tomorrow...
I'm ashamed that your mom thinks I haven't already taken care of that.
Please send me a thumbs up pic afterwards. No homo. After you've redressed and are heading for the walk of shame out of course
They don't even know who I am but they just woke me up with maracas and invited my boobs to a kegger
Well, I have a text in my phone that just says "Scrumtrelescent" from a girl I have in here as "Cheesy Tits", so you figure out how my night was going.
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
His last name was woodcox? That just screams I've got a great penis
i love how you just walk into that dealer's house every time without knocking, yet you don't even know his name
I woke up in your kitchen with my ID in my hand and my nails were painted electric blue. Dude.... never let me have fireball again.
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
yeah it's a weird friendship. we pretend that we're automatic besties but i know we both know i slept with her boyfriend
He asked me how many starwars references he could make before i no longer find him attractive.
If you need me I'll be in the hospital involving super glue and fake eyelashes.
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