I just remembered we said the Lord's Prayer before we went out last night.
Please tell me you saw the asian lady with the medical mask on cutting her lawn with scissors.
For some reason I knew you were going to smell like strippers and burritos when I hugged you.
We didn't have a blender so we made the margaritas by running over a garbagebag full of ice with the car and then stirring it with a knife in a French-press coffee pot. CAN YOU SAY RESOURCEFUL?
It's just good to know that when I drink like a twenty year old I still act like one.
I may wear a condom to jerk-off tomorrow knowing that my hand has touched surfaces in this bar.
I can't turn my head to the left, I'm pissing out of my ass, and my finger went through the toilet paper today... I need you.
if I open my eyes, my head will explode. that hungover.
You don't understand. If you watched a video of the shenanigans that occurred in my life over the past 48 hours you would gasp worse than the girl who witnessed me puking in my bag at the children's hospital
i forgot to brush my teeth before I went over so i went to the bathroom and started eating his toothpaste. we're still in the early stages of fuckdom
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
Walked into a bathroom stall to pop an addy for my three back-to-back finals today. Felt like Clark Kent walking into a phonebooth.
i keep replaying things i did last night. and remembering new things. and its a constant cycle of torture
I'll truly miss your penis but your use of words and phrases such as bae, yolo, swag, and totes have ruined how attractive you once were.
You proposed a left ass cheek firmness contest and got a surprising number of contestants. Then you ruined it by groping someone who wasn't playing and awarding them first place.
Randomize
