my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
Dude, we have the same penis size. Best friends for life.
Yeah next time you are over I'll let you beat it on her pillows and you will feel better.
You just kept saying over and over "Tell me I won't do it." Someone finally told you you won't. You did. Welcome to herpes.
I got into my dads silver toyota in the back seat to get picked up and 2 mins later I asked my dad when are we leaving, then an old mexican woman turned around. wrong toyota I'm guessing.
On ecstasy, in Ikea. this is incredible.
Decided to go explore a half built apartment complex at 4 a.m and leave a 3 block obstacle course in the alley ways on the way home.
You yelled "I gave my neighbor some of my bitch sauce" and then passed out. You now have drinking limits with us.
And then we made magical love in his room under a blacklight as his roommate and girlfriend argued violently in the living room
When she says 'Polish hangover cure' she just means more vodka. Don't do it.
He sent me a snap of him eating a tamale shirtless. I think I might be in love.
LOCK HIM DOWN.
I’m literally watching say yes to the dress, eating fancy cheeses with crackers, and I have orange dark chocolates. All of which is being washed down with merlot. And I’m 100% sure a porno is gonna go down next door tonight. They don’t have a car and arrived via taxi. Happy holidays from motel 6 Pendleton Oregon!
Last night I had a dream that a man with an ice cream body entered a bicycle throwing contest and won.
I just puked on the sidewalk. At 11am. Thought you'd like to know.
Just found out I lit my hair on fire last night.
Did I honestly think it was a good idea to wear my pink robe out in public at 2 in the morning ?
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