I don't think my ego could take a straight man out-cooking me.
i just put a booger in my mom's hair and i just needed to tell someone.
there was this guy running across campus barefoot in the pouring rain stepping in all the puddles. i want his life. and i want to be stripper.
You know what my problem is? I'm like a machine designed for the sole intention of removing the pants from damaged girls.
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
doing shots of $6 a bottle whiskey and chasing it with milk. my own personal way of saying fuck life.
We're all getting matching jack daniels tattoos. We're gonna be an alcoholic gang of awesome.
She started telling me about this odd patch of smooth skin under her boobs. Not sure if she was hitting on me or looking for free advise from a doctor...
I mean, I still played with her tits for like 20min tho.
You wanna see what happens when frozen corn meets an unhappy Andrew's face?
Do u have any idea how hard it is to masturbate in a CVS bathroom when your name is being called over the speakers to pick up a prescription for painkillers?
Just had a flashback of scottish man yellin' at my face. What the fuck I did?
The guy next to me on the bus has one hole in his jeans that has over 20 mini dicks drawn on his leg. Classic.
Do you have any idea how awkward it was to type ‘dog twerking’ into google search? Because I don’t think you do.
Somehow I don't think offering me edibles is what dad meant by checking in on me
They're the hard candy kind!
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
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