the ice cream truck is coming omgomg
dude, it's 2 am.
but its COMING
i might even pee on it at walmart i am so nervous
You guessed 7 of 8 bra sizes correctly. You're like a drunk rainman.
i dont even mind you always shaving my pubes when i pass out, i'm starting to find it liberating.
she walked out and i tried to get her to come back but i couldn't remember her name so i just whistled... future reference: that doesn't work
Just heard the words 'Pussy Riot' on NPR...I almost crashed my car.
We'll I told him I wanted to keep it PG last night, but then later I asked him to take his pants off. So i'm guessing it was my fault.
Got stoned and went to Walmart. For some reason a preacher walked up and asked if I knew the lord so I just yelled "I CAN FEEL HIM IN MY VIENS" at the top of my lungs. he left after that.
I masturbated to my balding thirty-something co-worker last night. I am a new level of lonely.
He's my ex's boss. I'm not above sleeping with him for that fact alone.
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
Fast is cars. Home is I now. Drunk yoda me is.
It was terrible. I am sore from head to toe, neither of us got off, and we were at it for an hour and a half, I faked having a heart episode so we could stop. It worked.
Everyone got an underage but her
How'd she get out of it?!
She hid in the FUCKING DRYER
I think you know you’ve caught feelings when you’re asking a tinder boy his opinion about your current fuck buddy.
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