I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
MY DAD AND I ARE ON OUR WAY OUT OF FLORENCE AND I JUST SAW A MAN AT A BUS STOP WITH A GIMP HAND SLAP HIS DAUGHTER ACROSS THE FACE WITH IT.
I just realized that the music from spongebob is also used in real sex HBO.
Pro tip: Don't start playing Bejeweled on Facebook while waiting for your Adderall to kick in. Unless you have the next 9 hours free.
Three of the best words ever! Cocaine. Research. Study.
You blinded her by spitting vodka in her eyes, the vodka you had just taken as a body shot off of her.
Im so excited to get permanently banned for life from all the old bars again, it is gonna be christmas after all
She's a freaking stalker dude, it's like having some kind of cartoon animal just following around everywhere
I got propositioned while wearing the bottom half of a horse costume. It's like god is apologizing to me in the strangest of ways.
Would it be weird to jack off in the hospital?
If sandwichs had dicks, my life would be complete
we need to tell them stories about when happens when we're sober so they think they know what they're in for when they're actually completely unprepared for whn happens when we get drunk
The guy whose house were at is drunkenly reading green eggs and ham to us in German
Do you just want me to shit in a Jack-o-latern
I climbed on the arm of the futon, flapping my hand fan frantically and hissing imprecations at the smoke detector
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