Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
I got drunk and smashed his tv with the keg and so he blames me for being evicted.
Just wana tell you im wearing assless jorts tonight. Ive been waiting my whole life for this.
The woman exiting the men's room tried convincing me she was actually a good-looking man.
the threesome consisted of him fingering dana while i laid next to them watching how i met your mother.
I never thought your mom would see me throwing up on my hands and knees in your front yard
seriously. next time...underwear. I'm not spending any other holiday season wondering if it'll be my last babyless one.
the fat guy in me is very excited, and the skinny guy in me is very excited for the fat guy in me
Girl it's 3:30 get your life together and come enjoy a bowl, some coffee and a brownie with me
You remember the guy they called Meat in high school? Well, let's just say my vagina remembers him now.
Well we were going to compare notes, but all I could remember was throwing up, and all she could remember was kissing, so then we decided to not compare anything.
Just spent 10 minutes washing away my own puke. This gas station lady loves me.
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
please tell me he didn't just scream 'i am the yiff lord' at the cops
I've never seen anyone as high as you were.. you collapsed onto the kitchen floor hugging a tub of ice cream. You named it phil.
Randomize
