I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
If I was doing exactly what I wanted right now I would be getting fucked on a jet ski while listening to "When Love Takes Over" by Kelly Rowland while eating french fries.
I want someone to please me without me having to show him steps 1 through 5
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
America approved of our night. A bald eagle flew over us at 7am
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
Softest bathroom rug I've slept on in my life, there have been many
We fucked in his mom's shower and all I could think about was being too old to be sneak banging while someone's mom was out of town and how much mildew was on the shower curtain. Fuck you, Adulthood.
He was running late for work this morning, so I helped him out by finding a matching pair of black socks. And I hated it. So I'm currently drinking and reminding myself of the reasons I will never get married.
Though my hair looks fantastic i will unfortunately have to turn down your 4am sex offer
He ordered three small pizzas while I was giving him head.
Just set out 2 water bottles as an offering to my hungover self.
Baruch atah adonai DAT ASS DOE
I mean, I already hooked up with her boyfriend. The least I can do is accept her facebook friend request.
I'm hungover and in a fort. And I hate you.
So many questions
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