I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
Took her home last night and it was like trying to put an oyster in a slot machine. I may have drank a little too much.
There aren't nearly as many guys masturbating on chatroulette as i was led to believe...i feel cheated
I can blatently call girls sluts here and they think i'm speaking norwegian
I don't appreciate you drunk dressing passed-out me in spandex for bed
hey, sorry about all the butter. I thought it was gonna help.
Lost gin update. Blackout me found and re-hid the bottle. Left a note to myself saying, "GOOD LUCK, SUCKER!"
I spiked my fruit smoothie. Taking bikini season diet to a whole new level
I waxed the left side of it and was in too much pain to do the right side so my crotch looks like cruella devil
I say I hate my boss but I find myself jerking off to him more and more with each passing day
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
A log hopped out of the fireplace and caught the carpet on fire. Good summary of this election if you ask me.
It's scary that my vibrator is a dangerous weapon. I want a new one.
I guess it's part of life. Sometimes your ex boyfriend becomes a drag queen.
Rebounding with her sister was the best idea i ever had.
Randomize