I dont know whether to be proud of myself for not driving, or being proud that i was so messed up I couldnt drive
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
Working on an important paper into the wee hours of the morning, and every time I type the word "situation," I can't help but think of effing Jersey Shore. Those guidos are now ruining my academic life.
I didn't mean to leave you there I just didn't know him well enough to throw up in his bathroom.
You were hanging upside down on the subway with your feet in the stirrup handle bars. the children were amused.
THE BIG GAY MAD HATTER IS HERE AND HE HAS DRUGS IN HIS PANTS FOR YOU. COME DOWNSTAIRS BITCHEZZZZ
he made me feel like a shish kabob. his dick was the skewer.
and you said he wasn't worth calling.
In case you're keeping score at home, this is Brad's SECOND Doritos-related trip to the ER.
I'm watching him slurp a whole mango out of her hand. It's disturbingly arousing.
Walking down the street, Bro bumping to 'still' by dre. Dropped his trash on the ground and aggressively sped up when his light turned green. If you still had love for the streets you wouldn't of fucking littered. Took everything for me not to yell at him. I know you would've.
You were supposed to be my wingman and all you kept to her friend was "kill it with fire"..
You were a for sure 10. You put on a traffic cone to meet someone.
he's annoying when i'm sober but vaguely hot when i'm drunk so yes i do have a preference and it goes by the name of vodka
I will literally have glitter in my crotch for weeks.
Randomize
