My underwear smells like fireworks.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
I think I'm going to try and hook up with that blond tonight.
I'm going for alcohol poisoning.
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
Theres dried jager, barbecue sauce and frie remnants all over my front seat.
I'm pretty sure this is how polyamorous relationships begin.
I woke up in your car in the McDonalds parking lot. What the hell happened to 'no man left behind'?
Haha, you avoided her at all costs. And then she shoved her tits in your face
My text message history should be ashamed of itself right now.
You need to come back and help me drink our beer so the fridge has room for the other beers
I see your walk of shame and raise you a day in jail wearing a girls old workout clothes.
Just woke up, shitty hungover, and realized that every article of clothing I slept in was backwards, bra included. Fuck you, gin. Fuck you.
In my drunk state I was like I ONLY HAD SEX WITH SOMEONE ELSE BECAUSE HE WAS THE HOTTEST GUY IVE EVER EVEN SEEN
You burped in your shoe and whispered 'you're mine now'
He had been licking my nipple for like 5 minutes and it wouldn't get hard. He asked me to lick my own and when I did, instant hardness. I realized I'd rather have sex with myself then this guy ..
Randomize
