Ah I wish I was there to nurse you then clean up your piss-filled water bottles
for some reason the bedside piss missed the water bottle today
Wow, being the totally hot and slutty looking 30 year old lady on the dance floor does NOT necessarily mean that she has skills in bed.
Is it weird if I ask my drug dealer to prom? Be honest.
of course he's cheating on me, she's 100x prettier and she can do the splits
i feel sorry for the hotel staff that makes the bed after we have sex
its impossible for me to find something that fits my tits my muffin top and my ass all at the same time
You leave a trail of fuck everywhere you go
I'm masturbating to football. This is why I get guys and you don't
So after he broke the crutches and got us kicked out of McDonalds, we stole a bike and when we got back to the hotel, he jumped out the window into the bushes.
Yeah when he is drunk, he seems to think he is Captain Americas Canadian counterpart, Captain Canuck
im just going to make a prayer circle of top ramen packets and cheap beer
We just won 1800 at the casino and are going to the strip club. Who gives a fuck if it's 5pm
I could drive to your house and kick you in the nuts right now....and not even stop for a burrito
Fuck my life he IS a stripper, Ive been sleeping with a stripper named Phoenix. damnit, I knew the sex was too good
Honestly cannot tell if I’m magical or really, really high.
I'm eating ice cream out of my purse
Randomize
