I'm so hungover And my mouth is so dry it feels like my tongue is wearing a sweater
I fucked him in a hamburger. literally. he has a hamburger bed.
thursday was literally the first time i didnt drunk eat since the bush administration and it was only because i was fucking someones boyfriend. making a mental note to do that more often.
I just asked the contractor building my house what it would cost to put a garbage disposal in all the shower drains...there was a lot of judging going on.
Yelling back at the people on Jerry springer through the TV, and eventually punching it. Failure of a night.
It sounded like he said "don't stop" but all I could hear were his balls.
I woke up this morning with a pop tart under my pillow with one bite eaten. Another pop tart was in the floor. No recollection whatsoever. I ate the one under my pillow for breakfast, though.
We don't have the same problems as normal people do we?
Its official... I need to stop being so slutty.. the guy I had sex with on friday delivered my jimmy johns tonight.
Just tried to do a line with a snorkel I cut off... that is how my Aruba trip is going!
Are you done yet? I've eaten three corndogs so I'm ready 2 party.
I just took a plan B pill with my preworkout. That's the level I'm on today.
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
Wow I really just sharted up in this Kroger
I love you too, but sadly you're not as good at getting me out of bed as cocaine.
Randomize
