i'm saving my butt for my wedding night
i think my mom would be mad if i was pregnant. last time i was she grounded me for a week.
Is it weird if I ask my drug dealer to prom? Be honest.
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
the bartender cut u off when u asked him for his screename so u could IM him later
oh and then you called a time out with your penis
marshmallow pipe was a success. so was melon pipe. come try it
i tied my phone to a string attached to my bra. i am NOT losing it tonight
Hey, I told her the bathroom was a "No fly zone" after I used it. She willingly allowed her nose to go through that pain. It's her fault, she only supplied me with vodka when she knows I only drink rum.
Nothing like coming home and finding the nearly full bottle of fireball you forgot you had stashed before your trip
It's the little things
But I got head on a boat yesterday which was sweet until a bald eagle flew over. Then it became life affirming.
That sounds worse than that time you thought out an entire story of how big bird would kill you
bitch, i have a flask. i've got things under control.
god. marry me.
I DONT KNOW HOW I'M NOT DEAD, JESUS CHRIST ON A DOUBLE DECKER FUCKING KEANU REEVES BUS
I had to take on your role as drunk idiot....I have no idea how you do it so well and so regularly. That shit is exhausting.
Randomize
