I knew the cheap date at Taco Bell would backfire because it makes even the most pre-cautious girls involuntary fart in public
My balls had bee stings let's just leave it at that.
Just coerced a Santa to buy me a handle. Tis the season.
Maybe its all the xanax she takes but she literally has NO shame
I never thought I would say this but I have to clean queso off my vibrator
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
I hope to God it's not the new neighbors having sex, because what I'm hearing sounds like a mildly defective vuvuzela or a cow giving birth.
No seriously you guys are gonna get arrested
Do me a favor I want you to reach down the front of your pants and underwear and just feel around for a while... if you happen to find your balls then join us
I noticed while having sex on Friday that I have great endurance. CrossFit works.
I hate political talk. I just wanna get fucked into an alternate universe where Bernie Sanders is president.
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
I'm tired of you and your emotional constipation. WHY DO YOU CLOSE YOUR EYES WHEN WE MAKE LOVE!?
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