So apparently last night I was running around columbus circle station screaming that Obama was a pussy and that "waterboarding should always be an option" lol
he was actually really polite. he asked before he came on my chest because he "wasn't sure my stance on it".
Weird. Haha. I guess taking advice from batman is a good idea.
They have an open bar at this baby shower. I was born to be Cuban.
I had a dream that we erected a stage in our living room for "impromptu performances" how can we make this a reality?
im tired of her bring homeless men home when shes drunk. THEY ARE NOT FUCKING PETS!!!!
I was trying to be quiet until started to feel like my cock was being dipped in a rainbow and then I stopped caring temporarily
I can dry shave vagina like a champ
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
"Friendship bread", "how to get period stains out of cement", and "elephant bereavement" are all in my recent google history. Whatever shit that was last night really did me in...
according to the video, you won you first drunken karaoke contest based off of your actual singing abilities and not because you took your shirt! I've never been prouder :)
Was there a condom involved? Because he was saying he wanted a kid. Repeatedly.
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
He started yelling terms of endearment at a cheese sandwich. Then he tried to hump it.
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
Randomize
