If my body was a temple, I pissed all over the front stairs last night..
so then they started chanting "LET'S GET A LITTLE BIT SCHWASTED. S-H-W-...WASTED!" theres nothing like partying with former high school cheerleaders
I made $300 today by selling pizza @ $4 a slice to nerds who refuse to leave the library. God I love finals time
Banging bitches in a bar bathroom is not legit as it was in college, there are no fistpumps afterward only shame
i just ate a whole pizza and threw it back up in the time span of 13 minutes. give me the number to guiness book of world records.
six ambien and a bong later...he was calling me blueberry princess who need rescuing from the evil oven, and he was sir Eatsalot.
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
My ex was there, the 2 girls I'm seeing showed up and I had a pocket full of VIP passes 2 the strip club. Had all the makings of an epic night but I fell asleep at the bar.
I found out he put two potatoes in a jar because he wants to make his own vodka.
I've counted four places at work I need to get laid in. Come help me accomplish this.
Hey, I'm your guy
I didn't want to hook up with him so I just jumped out of bed, yelled "I don't even believe in god!" and ran out of the room
There is nothing worse than the batteries of your vibrator dying on valentines day
I have to tell him to stop eating me out so I'm not late for work; my life could be a lot worse.
Have you ever eaten pizza and gotten your dick sucked at the same time? Because I have pizza.
Who knew a blowjob could cause this kind of crazy
He wasn't prepared for it
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