Oscar is the man. He keeps getting pictures of hot nude women with messages in spanish saying "i hope you like it" sent to his phone
whose oscar?
the baller who i guess decided to give out a fake number at the bar last weekend. luckily that fake number was mine. i have enough porn to last me until next month.
Fuck. That. I'm gonna get drunker and make them regret they EVER put me at the kids table. I'm a MAN.
Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.
I FOUND THE NORMAL CONDOMS. THIS IS GOD TELLING ME TO CHASE AFTER MY DREAM.
Touche. Dude, I fastened garters. Drunk. I deserve a medal from a drag queen.
Hey man, I found your crocs and your visor in the road. Got em for you.
I asked the subway guy how many cookies he thought I could smuggle into the bar. He said it looked like a 6 packer. he was correct
The police report said "I asked the suspect if he had any identification. He replied yes and gave me a Pizza Hut gift card"
She said I'm going to get you stoned and have you fuck me on the couch.
I accidentally brought up how there used to be a big tree in his yard, which I could only have known if I had been Google mapping his house.
Sorry if that was awkward, i will never call you sober ever again
So this is what bad decisions tastes like...
I love you even if you are fucked up. If you fall, i'll just get on top of you.
That time of your life is like a blur to me. There was churches, car fucking, and conservatives
We kicked down a door together last night, pretty sure that qualifies us as best friends.
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