Thats not how I planned it, its just the way she passed out
I didnt attack him, I heard I threw a chair at him- big difference. And you know Im not a creep so whatever
I finally had kitchen counter sex! i was so excited
i actually have a tan line from him holding my boob while we were sunbathing
And then she apologized after the blow job for being too sick to deep throat. I'm in love..
I'm standing outside of the bar watching homeless men teach a kid how to pee of the sidewalk.
Drunk Tina signed up to be part of the crew team and got a text from the captain telling her there's practice tomorrow. Wtf
Just caught my dad doing coke in my bathroom again. Guess whose getting a new car for christmasss.
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
Let's not fuck on an air mattress tonight...I'd rather get rug burn.
I tried to celebrate Halloween, Thanksgiving, Hannukah, and New Years all in one night.
I came home with 30lbs of BBQ last night. I can't pick up women in a bar but I sure can pick up leftovers from a corporate party.
If its not for food we ain't going out.
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
i just called dibs on the taxi driver at the bar that isnt drinking. im a grown up
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