if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
if you google earth my address you can see me getting out of my car. finally my moment of being famous
You tried to wear your Jesus costume into Family Christian stores and say it was a book signing.
becoming an adult blows. i don't think its possible for me to wake up for anything that doesn't involve kegs and eggs or half naked bums passed out in our yard.
I just had a Brazilian done for this guy. He's getting first-date sex whether he wants it or not.
I'm not sure how appropriate a drug deal is while at a wake.
Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
Thanksgiving Shitshow: My grandparents found me passed out on the bathroom floor wearing nothing but a scarf made of toilet paper
He used the expression "my couch is your couch" as a come on line.
Stop trying to get a gf and raw dog some forest beasts like sasquatch
you are dancing on the line between undergrad and alcoholic.
Exactly. Stay back and unsubscribe from her
So here's a tip: don't give a blowjob the same morning you're going to the dentist. Cuz they will think you have "mouth trauma."
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
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