having sex with him was like banging macgyver. he did the most amazing shit with the simplest things
I forgot to tell you the best part. The folded up paper he wrote his number on opened up to be a picture of him when he was younger wearing a Columbia tshirt in front of NASA and in pen said his name and "space consultant."
Im drunk and they're making me play quiet game. Im scared. Baptists are here
Just in case you were wondering I sent you a text at 4:37 in the morning because I woke up on the side of the highway at that time
When i say that im working late and also have a paper to write before 9am tomorrow all i want u to respond is saying that ur gunna come over and sexually distract me from my responsibilities. Not a fucking frowny face.
Sorry. Im on my way.
Every single item that was in my fridge is now in my hot tub. Please help
He's sitting in his room on Facebook with nothing but a pillow covering his crotch. I can't help you at the moment.
She just lifted up her dress, screamed "This is gonna be a good one!" And pissed on the pole...
Bone him for me, BONE HIM TWICE FOR ME.
I didn't know whether to laugh at the fact that a dog bit his balls or throw up cause my dad was telling me a story involving his balls.
This is my gift to your gina
I was jerking him off and in two seconds he went from "oh yeah that feels good" to "what day is Thanksgiving again?" and then back again. Like wtf.
moral of my life: don't tell a guy you want to have sex with him. he'll get back together with his ex.
No one needs to know about the barren wasteland that is my vag. Sometimes i visualize my cervix rocking back and forth wondering where everybody went.
I just pictured that. It's reading a book.
What the hell happened to the sandwich meat I just bought?
After you smoked, you made 8 ham sandwiches.
Guess that explains the mysterious disappearance of the bread...
Randomize
