did not feel like going to store to get condoms last night so went to her pantry and got a sandwich bag and a rubberband
did it work?
nope
Hands down the best time I've ever had barfing.
got high and went straight for the Doritos. I'm some kind of walking cliche.
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
Definately going to wake up wondering what happened to the other half of my lip.
She cut off the top of a watermelon and is now eating it with a spoon. She's more than half done.
My gynecologist inadvertently complimented your penis.
you can't tell me you didn't shit your pants I saw them in the trash can by the bathroom.
Well I went on a freakin rampage and destroyed a fan and claimed that it wasn't doing its fan duties... Then I knocked on everybody's doors in the hall and asked if they were content with their fan's performance and if not I would take care of it...
I don't remember anything that happened last night past 10.. I made him buy me a Buckeye's Donut tshirt. I have no idea why he'd want to fuck me after that.
Sunshine is the equivalent of sprinkling whore pellets on campus.
I don't like getting sloppy drunk but I don't like getting just half drunk either, I'm way too responsible if my blood alcohol level is below 0.2
We just banged and he's microwaving shrimp noodles and I'm eating tostitos alone in the dark this is why our relationship works
Did I fall last night?
I wouldn't call it falling as much as you tried to lay on the sidewalk and proceeded to hit it face first.
The cop was standing next to me when I texted "haha" to your phone...didn't realize that he had taken it already...
Randomize
