so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
My professor really needs to stop abbreviating. I'll never remember what "Fun. Anal. Trade-offs?" means when i study.
my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
KATE. I JUST NOTICED THAT LOWERCASE D'S LOOK LIKE SLIPPERS.
just got drunk at a party with Christmas themed solo cups.. holidays are officially here.
Apparently I was playing rock paper scissors against myself for 2 hours in the bathroom mirror.
even if everyone didnt know them screaming eskimo brothers and high fiveing over my head kinda gave it away
it's already thursday and i haven't gotten drunk yet...something's not right.
Fell into a man hole last night. I've been bleeding since 11pm. Got kicked out of the bar for being bloody.
You know it's a good party when even the dealers were too fucked up. Just found and counted 140 E pills I found in a bag in the couch. Just paid for weed this month.
Dress was in bathroom covered in shards of glass, earrings on living room floor, bracelet still missing, purse in backyard. The cast of Princess Bride all left the bar to make sure I was ok. Perfect night
We can't BOTH have terrible sex lives. Get fucked or throw him out.
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
He actually said the words 'I miss you' followed by 'I wanna have sex with your face'. I'd say that's a win.
I’m on my way to fuck the new hockey player
Ride him like a Zamboni
Randomize
