yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
We all know the best way to start a relationship is greeting while at least one of you are intoxicated, dual facebook stalking, and a two week long game of 20 questions via texts to 'really' get to know each other. In that order.
I wouldn't have it any other way. It's like a fairy tale!
Is it gay to rub my penis between my butt cheeks and pretend that they're tits?
Wow! You need to get laid.
Well the bottom line is that I had to completely coat my testicles in Neosporin.
We may have a problem that even dr. phil cant solve
You better be watching. There will be a POP quiz. Each correct answer gains you 5 more minutes of the sexual act of your choice
He asked for a foot job. Whatever. I guess I'm swimming in new slut waters tonight.
I woke up on karas dogs bed. Lets evaluate our lives.
i took four shots of tequila, threw my fist up in the air, then went around the party showing everyone how to do the ninja turtle handshake. that's the last thing I remember
like, is this a date?? I'm sitting on his couch drinking a juice box while he makes taquitos in sweat pants
I chatted up the pastor's son on Grindr during the service. Still ridiculing my decision to go to church this morning?
You may be fancy. But you'll never be having cheesy garlic bread and scotch at 3am fancy.
I have no clue how you survived last night but I applaud you. 21 body shots off 9 bodies in under four hours has to be a record.
you smell like vanilla and daddy issues
God... We're terrible. I'm so proud of us.
I know! It makes me feel all warm inside. Or maybe that's just me getting closer to hell.
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