She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
when your hometown is famous for abortion clinic bombings, hurricanes, and jude law's newest bastard, its probably time to move.
He shit in the bushes next to the pool at the Venetian, after throwing up in the hallway. You really can do anything in Vegas.
Just had to explain to the nurse WHERE I have poison ivy. Great Day
I didn't wanna be that girl that took a shit in the ocean..
Remember the time we were horrifically hung over, went to mcdonalds, an you merely felt the weight of the mcnuggets box and knew there was an extra?
like it was yesterday
I have to overdose on valtrex I had a rough weekend.
I just stabbed open a can of Spaghetti Os with a spork. Who says I cant take care of myself?
Found a phone out last night at the bar. EPIC homemade porn vids on it!
We're over by the bouncy castles. I'm the one wearing a baby. Bring Twizzlers.
So I deleted all the text from my phone, was looking for my mom's coffee order and show the coffee guy the pic of me eating pussy.
He was wearing running shoes tho. Thats like the cardinal rule. You don't fuck a guy who wears running shoes as regular shoes.
there is a guy with a glowstick staff outside my house
I know EXACTLY where things went wrong with her...I didn't use Cheetos as a wooing tool.
You’re welcome stay at my house. But, you gotta piss in the toilet
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