Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
i saw her thong sticking out from across the bar...that was my cue
i wish semen tasted like chocolate
His dick was poking my bladder. That big...
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
i had to get the starbucks manager to open the bathroom door for me...you passed out on the floor, the things i do for you
Just got a groupon for a segway rental: fireworks segway battle at my house. What say you?
I really have a thing for Greek chicks; I feel like while we are having sex she has the ability to make hummus which is just too appealing for me to pass up.
Thinking of someone think of me while masturbating while I masturbate. & that's how the over thinkers do it ✌️
Um. Did you take a picture of me with a giant dildo after we went bowling?
He got in a shopping cart outside of home depot and insisted we push him down a flight of stairs. For science.
I am the murdurer of this scooby doo episode
I'm pretty sure I went in the girls bathroom and vomited everywhere then looked for a urinal for like 20 minutes
You sat down in the middle of the road and started crying. We told you "Get your ass up or we're leaving you here." You replied "They'll findddd meeeeee" and ran after us.
I am just High Enough to train A-Team of bodybuilding squirrels MMA techniques to tear you asunder. And it's not that I want to is just don't you make me do it!
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