he only lasted 2 minutes. he said it was because i was so pretty. i'm not sure what to feel right now.
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
he just told me i make him happier than drugs. that's some serious shit right there
Just saw the stripper pole on the road that we threw out of the party bus last night
ps if your frozen peas taste like crotch it's because some dude kicked me in the nuts while trying to do a keg stand and I needed an ice pack
She bit a glowstick open. Apparently they burn. We bonded while she washed the chemicals out of her mouth as I did double shots of Jager.
I will take a blow job from a dude that kinda looks like a girl at this point
I just got my hands on some dry ice. How do you feel about coming home to a mystical wizard toilet?
last thing I remember is yelling 'sit on my face' through a traffic cone
What's more sad than going to Target to buy Plan B and the new Sam Smith album?
Just met my French neighbor. We watched a crow die together, so we're pretty tight.
I used my dress as a plate for pizza rolls last night
He passed away peacefully doing what he loved to do best. Eating a pound of vodka gummy worms and failing at sex and the city trivia.
Oh also we fucked while one of the old Rudolph movies was playing on tv so it was festive
I just spontaneously learned how to embroider at three in the morning.
I also almost burned the house down in the process. Don't ask me how. It's a long story.
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