Nah got too drunk to function...probably could have dragged something home over my shoulder if the cops didn't roll
im pretty sure that there was a mint leaf in my poop this morning. i love mojito season.
he stole me 6 pairs of frilly undies and proclaimed "your ass looks like a 5 in those. it'll be a 10 in these bad boys". every girl needs a gay bff.
This is random, but did i give u a handjob in the middle of the night or was that a dream?
sitting in the bathroom telling some girl to keep puking or she will die. while holding a beer. nursing school rocks.
what do i owe you?
$237.46 to be exact.
if im having that much fun on the weekend i better start remembering it.
So you think it's my fault? I didn't give you the 10 shots you took nor make you eat the brownies we made... btw, i found your engagement ring, it was in the last brownie you wouldn't let me have while dragging me to my room.
YOU ARE NOT A BOTTLE OF RUM THEREFORE I DONT KNOW HOW TO LOVE YOU
After her AA meeting, she was on the phone with her mom, and when she said, "they're making me start over with Step 1," I quietly sang, "cut a hole in the box".
Buying the inflatable beer pong table for the pool was one of the best investments I've ever made
I COULD BREAK CONCRETE WITH MY FOOTBALL ERECTION.
I am lonely and hungry. I need a girlfriend, but I'd settle for my mom.
Saw the guy I once slept with, he was buying Beer and shit tone of diapers. Glad to see how 2016 will turn out.
What kind of friend would I be if I didn't make you hate things you once loved?
Is it totally acceptable to fuck a co-worker even though we don't speak the same language?
Why do you even have to ask me that question
Randomize
