Cold hands, warm shart.
I just threw up on my dentist
highlight from tonight: i hit on her and her mother.
Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.
just found more coke in my pocket. i love not washing my jeans after every individual use.
I thought about farting is his face when he was going down on me last nite.
You know it was a challenge blowing out the candles. It was hard to think of a wish, while drunk, with a concussion.
you puked on the porch, i can see your jacket on the floor next to your underwear. i know your home, unchain the door, you're the worst roommate ever.
Lmao I should put that ad on Craigslist "in need of muscular and determined team of men to carry drunken birthday whore safely home"
I have lots of feelings today, but drunk is my favorite.
I don't want sex or anything I just really need someone to appreciate how shiny my hair is
Their first impression of me was that I was completely naked. So yeah college hasn't even started yet and I'm already that person.
He knows whenever I get drunk I'm going to call him and make fun of his major. Its like a reverse booty call.
So after the absinthe shots_____(fill in the blank area for me please)......
Do you know who these girls are? They're baking a cake, making chicken enchiladas, and bringing me beer everytime I finish one.
Randomize
