paul mccartney is starting to look like angela lansbury
It's like having an annoying little brother who wants to have sex with you
so my aunt is sitting on the couch, eating a brownie and watching the biggest loser saying how it's not that hard to eat healthy
man i love america
we have a love-hate relationship...we love having sex but hate waking up next to eachother
me and this guy in my office just exchanged an "i saw you at a drag show last night" look as he passed by my desk.
Somehow last night, my dad got me so drunk that I ended up throwing up on the couch, turning the cushions over to hide it, and going to sleep on them.
He told me I couldn't drink an unopened bottle of water he had in his room because that was his emergency bong water
i feel this will be the best possible way to start a friendship. By breaking into his house.
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
I had not one but two drunk coworkers text me and hit on me tonight. I feel like I've finally been accepted into my dysfunctional workplace
And then we can spend New Year's Day sprawled across the tiles watching greys anatomy and puking into the bushes over the balcony. It'll be great
I just love that a strip club has taco Tuesday.
So, I'm either with my future life partner or my future life taker. And his brother. lol. I'll let you know when I get home alive.
How bad is it that I can say that this isn't the first time a married man, who is in the military, has tried to make me his mistress?
Did you get good sleep?
I dreamt that I was a lipstick lesbian in the 1950s, working at Walgreens and solving mysteries.
So yes.
Randomize
