In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
God is so good, I would give him a blow job right now.
Springtime is officially here. I just used pool water to fill up the bong
I sat alone in Buffalo Wild Wings eating chocolate cake on Country Western karoake night. The waiter asked me if I was ok. Twice.
I woke up and found 10 txts from him. All sent at 6:30 am, and all about the muffin man.
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
All I I know is that there's 2 new contacts in my phone. Drunk Backdoor and Gayass Handshake. Thanks, Jameson.
Guess which frat house I just walked out of! And on a related note... guess who's uncircumsized
Can you please reassure him im not a scary or intimidating person? And that really my entire life is a series of completely ridiculous events that have led me here?
I don't need my coworkers thinking I'm a nutcase.
You gift wrapped a tampon.
I don't remember much from my 21st, but my mom said I insisted on the fat guy taking body shots off me
I can see your house from here
Get off of his fucking roof
I'm eating animal crackers on my bed next to my vibrator writing about the hopelessness and depravity of humanity. I am LIVING.
That means I have to put pants on. That is not something I am willing to do right now.
I just drunkenly emailed my feminist dissertation as a resignation letter for my call center job. What am I doing with my life!?
Randomize