sometimes i just want to live alone. my roommate keeps looking at me weird like hes never seen a girl eat plain salt before
So Jesus turned water into wine. So what? I once turned a whole student loan into natty light. Your move holy man.
THE PICTURE OF PEPPERMINT MOCHA MADE ME WANT TO TOUCH MYSELF
Mac n' cheese is coming out of my nose. You can't make that feel better
Just had a nice conversation with my landlord while cleaning your puke off my car
he gets drunk and then tries to eat the lasers at the dance club
Sorry I didn't take you making out with him all night as a hint you wanted nothing to do with him...
She was the shot vending machine at the party. But free.
The only thought that went through my head was "that would be an absolute disaster" so of course I said yes
Thing I said while arguing: I want to be single again so that I can have pizza and dick rained down upon me.
Pulling out all the stops on being a lady.
Please stop using me as a reference for bail bondsmen.
I'm drunk in your building find me and we can have sex.
Yeah, but she is forever sending my vagina on some sort of mission.
Drunk Jeff aka Dreff thinks he's about 3x cooler than be really is and about 100x better at dancing than he really is
He's super sweet. I feel like I'm dating Elmo. If Elmo had a 7 incher
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