I just watched Juno. I kind of wish I was in highschool and pregnant
I found a girl on our couch wearing lederhosen this mornig... I dont know if i should be impressed or ashamed
Currently standing on top of my parents leather couch with no pants on playing helicoptor with my penis. You?
You threw up in a Dixie cup last night. Oddly, you just gained major points in my book for that.
I've been here 20 minutes and some creepy old man told me he wanted to know what my insides felt like. I hate gay bars.
It was the most graceful puke ever. I just thought she dropped something underneath the bar until she told me what happened.
Just woke up to the best idea ever. Vodka infused BUTTER. Take a second, and think of the possibilities.
So then I proceeded to the kitchen to make my "specialty," which consisted of a frozen veggie burger topped with peanut butter. I guess he ate it too.
hey dude, just got with the girl in H4. so mark H off the apartment list
haha we are half through our lease and already checked off 17 letters
Apparently I've told this bouncer I stalk him on Instagram 3 times. I should stop drinking. I only remeber saying it tonight. early sign of Alzheimer's
With a stable of 7 fuck buddies, I literally use a random number generator to determine the order in which I will booty call them on my way home from work. I have not slept in my own bed in a month. I just keep half my clothes hanging in my car or in a suitcase.
THERES A BEAVER CHASING ME, ANGRY BEAVERS IS FUCKING REAL DUDE
Only I could dislocate my ribcage coaching volleyball and still want to get drunk tonight.
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
Fuck your fuckin pumpkin spice. You and your subtle differences frighten and disgust me.
Randomize
