i guess you could say your face is two degrees of separation from my balls
another holiday season passes without receiving a dick in a box, where did i go wrong in life?
Omg. One night stands are not supposed to show up to your swim class the morning after. Worst lesson ever.
Uh no. you let me handle it. trust me: I can paint the Mona Lisa in tints of bitch.
Just saw a midget on a motorcycle. Best sight for a hangover ever.
Dude she said she'd let me snort a line off her ass now I just have to wait for them to break up
You did it first. I was merely expressing my support for you, by pressing my testicles against a window.
Not sure how a movie about Jesus has managed to make me feel insecure about my boobs but it has.
Pulled a muscle in my back masturbating. But still listed as probable.
I went to the bar without a bra on pretty sure you can go to Taco Bell drive thru with no pants
hell or highwater he WILL get a blowjob in the hammock before the end of summer.
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
I just told a guy I'm a cross of Kim K, Hilary Clinton and a dragon... He was still into it.
He asked me while we were fishing why the passion was gone when we have sex. It's official...I am the dude in this relationship.
Woke up at my x's house. He said I talked about how much I love panda's for fourty five minutes. Then made him watch The Little Mermaid with me. Made the walk of shame infront of his mom. Things can only really go up from here.
Wait till you get home.
Randomize
