Yeah but if I do that, I'd have to buy my own stomach pump for the house. That doesn't seem like a great thing to have sitting on the coffee table.
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
I just hit myself in the face while taking off my shirt. I could never be a stripper.
That's where the buck stops? Buying girlfriends online? THAT is where you draw the line?!
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
After the party last night, I dreamt I continued drinking... Apparently my subconscious didn't think I'd had enough...
Less than a month to graduation and I'm still blacking out on the reg tonguing down the closest breathing organism preferably with a penis but I'm flexible, and still havent figured out how to be functional on Fridays. WHY don't they teach us valuable shit at this institution!?
There's no way I'm ready for marriage. I have too many pics of other guys' junk on my phone for an eternal commitment right now.
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
I'm high. The text bubbles floating do no justice to the underwater experiences
I already tell everyone in my office my bf is at the Naval academy. It slipped one time and I can't go back on it now
like, there should be nothing wrong with me wanting to watch you put on a bikini and roll around in a kiddie pool of jello
I call bullshit
Call it what ever you want I just need to figure out how to get permanent marker off my cock
a day off where I don’t get laid would be worthless
Randomize
