like if they didnt have tits and vagina, they have no idea how uninteresting to us they would be
He woke me up by trying to shove oreos in my mouth. im ready to go home now
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
I cant leave dude. theres a horse with a top hat on
Well it involved jumping two nine foot fences. But when you mix alcohol and persistence you can't lose.
Me and the cabbie are stopping on the way at a sit down restaurant to eat. My life is so sad.
If we all have the time, and the weather permits, and you have no plans, we should have another go at Operation Get Our Carless Friends Laid. All the lonely people will be out. We can take our lonely people out too.
Glad I can drunkenly remember to not get tomatoes on my Mexican pizza but can't tell a guy to keep his hands off my ass
I'm only bisexual one week out of the month. Nothing like ovulation hormones to make the genders of my hookups seem completely irrelevant.
I think I almost ran over some kid I went to high school with. Guilt factor: moderate to low.
That's right. I just LL Cool J'ed you up in this bitch. Zero fucks.
i found 4 slices of pizza in my toaster, and a can of unopened soup in my blender.. wtf?
my roommates are pretty pissed at me. they sent me out for ice and i came back with a kitten.
i hooked up with all four beatles on halloween get on my level
Probably some sort of karmic revenge for me looking at titties somewhere along the way
and for that you shall suffer
God: I won't strike you down, but I shall introduce your child to Doja Cat during a quarantine
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