wtf. i just found you're porn stash.
u like it?
NOT THE POINT.
so she bought me lunch gave me a blowie then paid for the gas since I drove... I think there's a catch but I'm gonna run with it
Pretty sure I saw a dude across the room give this girl the international hand gesture for "I'm going to fist you later", she seemed ok with it.
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
Somehow I don't trust you in this state to talk to you about a colonoscopy
these marshmallows taste like mayonnaise. like playing tetris on a gameboy, that's what these marshmallows mean.
Woke up naked on my floor covered in cookies. We should celebrate fake hurricanes every weekend.
asked the cab driver where he learned Swahili last night.
I just googled: how soon can I pee on a stick. What is my life coming to.
I'm either a high functioning alcoholic or I'm making the most of the fact that this is the last year that its socially acceptable to be black-out drunk five days a week.
Was your bare penis on or around my blanket?
I have no idea what happened last night, but my pee is neon green.
I just want to drink bourbon and have sex and then eat like, a Christmas cookie.
Honestly I volunteered because the email made it sound like it was a once in a lifetime opportunity to be a sexual spy kid.
its like my accent is a device for a 100% chance of sex every time i leave the apartment. i love being english in this country.
Randomize
