Y'know, without the cops, it would've just been us daydrinking,
security doesn't like it when we pee on cars. or maybe just not theirs?
So I just told the bartender I would go down on her. You need to get here
Well I squeegeed the puke off your arm at the gas station
I miss the days of selfishly blowing a load in the condom without her knowing and acting all like "we shouldn't do this" so she would get dressed and leave.
No idea. I woke up in the middle of the night to you drooling and gnawing on my arm. Then you rolled over, punched the air 4 times, then proceeded to talk about your hair in your sleep.
The guy I fucked in San Diego is camping with us for coachella... Awk.
That UFC fighter fucked me so hard I have what can only be described as a "cuntcussion"
Oh yeah, found out i got it from my boyfriend's wife. Thanks though.
Sockward: that moment during sexytimes when you realize your socks are still on and you have no idea how to remove them in a non-awkward fashion.
I told her I had a small penis. Then replied if Peter Pan won with a dagger then so can I
My next goal in this relationship is to teach my boyfriend that there are valid reasons to be fear of dolphins completely.
He’s really fucking cute. Like, I want his penis in my mouth cute.
Made out with sailor moon tonight. Childhood dreams do come true.
She fucked a bartender in a closed Applebee’s and has the nerve to call me easy
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