why am i having a flashback about somewhere we were this weekend with music videos playing? Spike jonze brothers place?? Help me out
Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
my ex gf has sooo many hot friends... i feel like im at a grocery store when on her fb... just shopping around.
everyday i am more and more thankful i can still check the no box for "have you ever been convicted of a felony?" on applications
All she said was "the usual?" and unzipped my pants.
I don't remember how we paid for the cab. I do however remember giving him my heels 2 help with the bill.
Sean getting laid is an anomaly, Sean banging the hottest single girl at the wedding is a fucking unicorn being ridden by a leprechaun walking through mordor.
she broke up with me the week she got divorced. maybe I should grab a beer with her ex
Any story that involves the words "bloody hand job" and/or "sliced penis" is bound to be a good one, right?
Just jacked in the family restroom in the hospital while eating beef jerky and looking at reddit gone wild.
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
He just unloaded a dump truck full of red flags on my head.
I'm writing off my condom expenses in my taxes
Sorry your girlfriend got you a valentines present and you forgot to get her one.
How long will your dick be dry?
I grabbed the pretzel bag with my toes last night. I think that day of yoga had paid off.
Randomize
