chick im bringing home just asked our cab driver if she could do a line off his turban. i think im in love - or trouble.
We're like two naked peas in a sex pod.
please remember that your boobs are bigger than your sisters. when you borrow her shirts they stretch and then shes left flapping in the breeze. dont borrow her clothes anymore. love dad.
Where can I buy a trophy for a Groupie Award?
She had sex with a merch guy. . . band guys make you groupies, Merch guys just means she's easy.
Two portable blenders. We are going to be popular and dangerous.
He is now the second fuck buddy that i have met by walking up and grinding on him. My ass is so much more productive than dating
Shots. Renamed a guy (he looked like a Scott to me), running, bloody Marys, walk to Safeway, donuts, ride home from someones husband, Nurse Jackie. FIN.
Ps I got my nipple pierced. You're just gonna have to accept me for the tool I am and I don't wanna hear any shenanigans.
Just took adderall with about half a bottle of red wine...i have stopped trying for this last exam
My fridge is empty and all of my food is in the bathtub. Just.. Why?
You spent like 10 minutes trying to hit a golf ball that was actually a cigarette butt. And then fell over.
Can someone please remind me later tonight that there's a taco in my purse. I may get drunk and forget I put it there
Went to my bottom drawer for my stash , gone just a note says thanks sucker love dad
I didn't think you were that drunk until you were trying to rub your foot on my vag under the table at the thai place.
At least your wife cheated on you. Women will feel bad for you. In a month there will boy bands that are jealous of your dick
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