If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
They threw me out of the bar because I was arguing business ethics with the owner of th bar
dont like to call her my roomate, too cordial. i refer to her as the whore that was assigned to live with me
Sitting next to a retarded hot married man on the plane, I got 6.5 hrs to homewreck this shit.
I was high enough to think that mac-n-cheese w/ ketchup, tortilla chips w/ ketchup, and milk was a fancy dinner
Hooking up with one of the deadbeat dads from Teen Mom does not qualify as banging a celebrity.
You tried to poop in the sink last night.
Bath mats should not be used at mops. they don't work. consider this a drunk psa
You broke a cabinet. You were climbing up it and it collapsed on you. Lines were crossed.
I think I wrote "thanks for the free alcohol!!!" in their wedding guest book and I'm almost positive I signed my name
theres a kid in a leopard robe and sunglasses filling up a gas tank. i miss college
He was rocking just a diaper, shoes, and a gun. Sadly, I would still hit it.
I don't go out. I live in my room watching Bridget Jones and thanking my vibrator for existing.
I can't handle more than one dick at once. I become crazy. It's hard to be mellow and free spirited and polygamous at the same time.
You gotta do what you gotta do. Like how I gotta drive in the rain to go get chicken nuggets. I just gotta.
Randomize
