You know you have a problem when the only thing that saves you is that you drank so late into the night that you sleep through the designated walk of shame time window
Ah that type of Dick. I think my phones trying to make me less of a whore by capitalizing Dick. That way it looks like I'm talking about a dude not penis
come on don't hate me. your brother looks just like you its almost a complement that i had sex with him.
From what I hear, her blowjob factory was runninng at full capacity this weekend.
Pretty sure they aren't letting me back to karaoke night after I screamed "fuck every one of you tasteless hillbillies!!" because I felt they didn't clap loud enough for Jen.
Oh, and apparently I was butt ass naked and walked into the room where anna was skyping her dude in afghanistan and said "This is happening."
I can measure my amount of vomit in solo cups.
I just need some dick and some jimmy johns
Figured out why that fly won't leave. It keeps buzzing through my weed smoke
Fly high, Fly.
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
A special kind of bond is formed between two people when they act as a pee shield for one another for drunken pisses in an alleyway
You got stoned and bought $300 worth of pudding. Again! Why do YOU think she left you?
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
Yea he was still drunk. He wore a Toga to his job interview.
You walked into the frat house and screamed "whose down to fuck" i think they were more intimidated than anything
Randomize
