Who pooed in my magic bullet?
Sorry the bathroom was being used.
and that's why he's hiding in the taco suit
maybe if i keep dancing i won't throw up
Post-shopping-cart-scooter-jousting victory fuck?
Just wait til you visit, there will be an endless supply of fresh dick for your demand #economics
It's a hurricane, not a zombie apocalypse. WHY DID YOU BUY SHOTGUNS?!?!
Apparently coming home smelling like I took a bath in beer is frowned upon in this household. I'm so glad I don't actually live here.
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
I'm remembering the time we thought it was a brilliant idea to put koolaid powder in shots of goldschlager
I got to see a stripper that did magic last night. It was glorious.
Well, I woke up on a roll-away, with a knot in the back of my head and penis confetti stuck to me. Also, I apparently literally gave the shirt off my back right before I passed out, so I was topless. Vegas won this trip.
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
Made out with sailor moon tonight. Childhood dreams do come true.
You know you're out of shape when you're sore after masturbating.
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