Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
I just overhead some girl saying that she's trying out for the real world so she has a backup if she doesn't get into teach for america...
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
I left two hundred in singles in your car sorry about the mess
You got cut off after you tried to make the dog funnel moscato.
I walked in on you rubbing your nose all over his face while straddling him and yelling "I'M SO SORRY!" repeatedly. I'd say you were in pretty good shape at that point in the night.
I was going to say I needed the exercise but now all I can think about is BJs
My work here is done
Dude we both faced 40s of steel reserve which is like saying, "Hey, I'm a complete piece of shit!"
Just at the gym drinking. We call it treadmillcolada
Apparently I blacked out and started wrestling with some dude last night. Just found out I might have dislocated his shoulder. Best part: he still wants to bone me
He told me he loved me and then peed his own bed. So at least it was a memorable one night stand.
Accent: check. Hot body: check. 8" dick: check. Feeds me biscuits in bed after rampant sex: check. Should I continue with my "Why I'm not coming back to the States" List?
Rarely does a man I fucked with upgrade from me
I just chased my birth control with Smirnoff. Shit's about to go down.
My debit card was between my ass cheeks when i woke up. i vaguely remember putting it there for safe keeping
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