you still trying to smash that chick?
it's a losing battle and she kinda sucks. been busy with school so not getting midweek drunk - she's nearly unbearable sober
could you grab mr moo while you're at his apt?
you brought your stuffed animal to a booty call?
my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
just fed a duck at the lake a weed brownie. it hasnt moved in 20 minutes.
I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
He just said "fuck you" to the bowl he's eating things out of
You know me. Don't need roses, just dick and food.
You know.... I ordered the nipple clamps when I was drunk. But on further consideration, THANKS DRUNK ME I LIKE WHATS HAPPENING
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
So I almost just died there. And we need a new garage door.
I was sat at the table waiting with a glass of wine reading my book and the hotel staff gave me a goldfish in a bowl and said 'heres your date for the night' !
So do you want to be the old guy picking up a girl in a mini skirt who may be slightly buzzed before noon from college, or shall i walk over?
I was like, booze is the closest thing I have to a father. Don't pour daddy down the sink
I have shit my pants twice this week. #adulthood
Well, I just puked in the shower in case anyone wants an update on how my day is going
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