something must definitely be wrong with me if i'm chasing after a guy who cant even get it up
She used the word "fragged" in proper context. tell me that's not bust-nut hot.
We started hooking up and a group of freshmen outside my window started chanting my name. Encouraging yet distracting
he offered to walk down from the bar this morning to my house and bring me a guinness...
how romantic. its the irish mans version of flowers
Im at target. Idk why I'm buying condoms AND a tutu for my cat. No one who dresses their cat up has ever gotten laid.
That feels better than graduating college or that time I tried to ride a llama. Did you know they really spit?
Our first order of business as new roommates was to test the sex acoustics of our rooms. I need a new box spring.
If I showed up at your door with pizza and a bottle of tequila wearing nothing but chaps and a fireman helmet, would you send me away?
I know you're aving fun across the room but I can clearly see you getting a handy. It's not as "low key" as she promised. Also, why are you texting while she's doing it?!
Apparently, the Mormons have taken over airports. I was told by a befuddled looking clerk I couldn't buy a beer with breakfast before 6am.
He's like a father figure to me, except we have casual drunk sex every now and then
Your life is quite full of dick lately.
It really is!
I'm eating a block of cheese like its a sandwich in the tsa line
As of right now, my vibrator and a bag of snickers share the same drawer
Bring vodka when you get back from court.
Randomize