He just screamed at her, "if you pass out i am still having sex with you!!!" In front of the entire party.
Helping high family members not look retarded is what family is for
so i just drove past a racoon and a kid on a long board... god i love 4am white castle runs
Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
Im sitting alone watching titanic. Drunk. Without pants. Holding a fishing pole. Im pretty sure im okay with all of this.
All i have left of him are the magnum X-Large condoms he left in my room, knowing full well that no other guy I hook up with will be able to fill his shoes. He taunts me.
did you seriously make the punch out of vodka and food coloring
No I'm not coming over. That Bob Ross drinking game is too intense.
Who topped off the "random beer mix" beer bong with a pinch of pepper?? All you could taste was busch and pepper...
Dude. I kneed him in the face and gave him a black eye. It's like a constant reminder of our hookup. I feel like herpes. I never go away...
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
Please take a moment of silence for the fact that I still have all 10 fingers
It was fine until he came back to my place, grabbed a beer, HIGH-FIVED me, and left.
He broke up with me because "we're at different points in our lives" I think it's because he saw a drag queen with their hand halfway down my pants
Something is wrong here. The birds are chirping and I'm not fucking you, I'm not getting head and I don't smell bacon. Why am I up this early then?
Randomize
