1:57 a.m. Where did you go???
1:58 a.m. What are you doing? I want to go home with you, why aren't you responding?
2:11 a.m. Heading back to your place now, will you let me in?
so i woke up with ketchup and a sticky boob on my face...this is a new low
Just checked, might have creepy crawlies. What does chlamydia feel like? Not near wireless to consult webMD.
For Halloween this year I'm gonna go as Angelina from Jersey Shore. I'm gonna yell "umm HELLO?!," cockblock someone, then leave the party early
I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?
You came in as I got off work, ordered us jack and cokes. Put them on my tab, and then proceeded to fall asleep on the bar.
So he was supposed to be helping me with my math but instead we ended up drinking coconut rum in his basement and having sex. I think my mom was right, getting a tutor will be good for me. Relieves the stress.
Please tell me there isn't another video of me on the toilet...
My mom asked me if I ever go on dates. I had to suppress the urge to ask if having casual sex with a freshmen counts as dating
I just bought a bong from a hot dog stand.
Never ever make a tattoo bet. I now have a shamrock on my dick.
He said he's going to karaoke tonight and I just spilled a bunch of Cheetos on the floor and ate them all. So that's my night.
Stay home. Ain't nothing out in these mean streets but plan b and regret
Just a little drinking. So much fun and love. The world is a shiny wonderful sphere in the sky so why shouldn't we celebrate?
What's a sexy way to say balls deep???
Randomize
