i soberly give you permission to do that to me when im drunk
Hey man, did I leave the bottom drawer to my refrigerator that I had beer in at your house by any chance?
And by that I mean I told her the plot of the first batman movie as my life and it took her like 20 minutes to figure it out
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
Penises. Penises everywhereeeeeeeee. Penis ratio is sooo disproportionate. I can't NOT get laid tonight.
Woke up this morning with seven juice boxes under my pillow and an empty box of condoms In my pocket. Good night.
Ok now I cleared out half the bar and Em and I have 5 Jameson shots lined up for you. You have 15 min.
We decided to make playlists for each other. Do you know any songs that say "sorry I'm not as hot as your prostitute ex?"
Is it frowned upon to puke at Keeneland while you're betting on horses or is it just whatev
He went snooping and now he's all intimidated by my super amazing box of sexy time toys.
Please stop calling it that.
you got in a fight with your imaginary friend last night when he didn't catch you after a surprise trust fall
I'm just going to have crazy good sex with him until one of us developed feelings that works in the movies right?
Not bad. Ran into Carlo. He shared a story about a sailor who got gonorrhea in his eye. It made me feel better about myself.
We power houred with shots of red wine. Somehow we ended up with 7 bottles and lost Chris. Trying to find him this hungover is proving very unsuccessful.
Yeah well I fucked my ex on a sink last night soooo booty calls for us all
Randomize
