I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
Tickle wars 95% of the time end in sex.
Omg. Get me out of here. Someone is playing michelle branch.
i'm officially boycotting relationships. hello random hook ups and treating men like meat.
i didnt like the question options for my yahoo account..so i made up the question and it was "favorite bathroom to shit in"
i don't remember but I assumed it was bad when I woke up with directions from his house to mine already pulled up on my phone
What's the protocol on showing a video of me sucking the life out of my ex in order to prove beyond a doubt that I give great head???
when you agree to fuck a guy it does by NO means make it okay for his roommate to hide in the closet with doritos and watch
I'm approaching homosexuality at an increasingly alarming rate with each break up.
it's the amount of time you spend on preventing me from puking that really cements this friendship
I'm gonna die. First I'm gonna throw up. But then I'm gonna die.
You know you had a good night when your wearing you best friends pants to work the next day
Who the fuck hid 3 Zimas under my pillow?! Icing doesn't count when it's 8am the next morning and everyone's left and you've passed out on your couch. Currently chugging 2 of 3...
Oh you mean the girl that gave me a black eye when I told her I liked her fake eyelashes?
Randomize
