**i WaNt TO sLaP mY niECe wHO ThINks iT iS cUte tO WriTE LiKE tHiS**
never try to heat up a hot pocket in the dryer if ur microwave breaks...bad idea.
I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
I just googled "buy xanax online". What is wrong with my life?
I passed out in the VIP room and she charged me for 17 songs until I woke up, theres a bouncer asking me for $700, fuck tequila
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
Lost gin update. Blackout me found and re-hid the bottle. Left a note to myself saying, "GOOD LUCK, SUCKER!"
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
came home to a trail of roses from the door halfway up the stairs. but my nonsingle roommate lives downstairs. idk if they celebrated on the stairs or if some girl tried to woo me last night and i don't remember
Standing here wondering if its a good idea to cook pork chops in the toaster or not.
Sorry I pissed in your closet and lied to your parents that it was probably a flood. He got up to go to the bathroom, expecting sex when he got back, I panicked
I just made mac at 3:10 am... My life is falling apart...
He's got a beautiful penis, I can't lie
I need my comforter. Pls bring it to me and drape me in it like an animal pelt. Ps I'm naked.
Almost gave the delivery guy a 34 dollar tip. That high
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